you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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