Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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