Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
