i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
