I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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