I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
