I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
