I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
