I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
