Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
