Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
