I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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