She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
