I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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