Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize