I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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