i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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