Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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