In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
