just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
i think my cat just said my name.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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