Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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