I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
