I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
