It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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