I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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