I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
