while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
