My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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