he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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