Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
