I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
