Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
