ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
