Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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