It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i out mim tonsoeep
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