please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
