Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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