how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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