Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
