I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
