a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
