so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
