i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
