when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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