You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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