people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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