i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
