oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
