I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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