Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
we should paint friendship bongs
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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