I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
