Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
