Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
