omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
