stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
