Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
