Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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